Blue Christmas

I'll admit that at this time of year, I never attended or really understood how someone could be "blue" at Christmas. I am a hard head. I have to learn everything the hard way. The Lord has given me the gift of empathy, but it hasn't always been there -sympathy yes, empathy no.

It has been nearly a year now since I experienced the only true trauma I have ever experienced.

trau·ma

/ˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/

noun

noun: trauma; plural noun: traumata; plural noun: traumas

1.

a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

"a personal trauma like the death of a child"

 

That puts it pretty simply I suppose. Since living in Kenya I have seen so many people deal with trauma and the aftermath of it. I have seen and gotten to know well American veterans who have seen and dealt with trauma and its aftermath. But, honestly, I had never really experienced anything that was truly traumatic.

 

I define trauma as something tragic that happens unexpectedly and knocks you off your feet.

In the early hours of January 1 2018, I experienced trauma when "my Emily" passed away. I now understand how when you watch TV and people receive traumatic news, they "lose their legs." I know what it feels like to have pain so deep and painful that you think you might surely never recover. I know what it is like to throw up from the shock of a trauma. I know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed... to not be able to hold your head up. I know what it is to cry from a part in your body and soul you never knew existed. I know what it is like to be unable to breathe the pain is so present.

Psychologist talk about the stages of grief.

• SHOCK & DENIAL-
• PAIN & GUILT- ...
• ANGER & BARGAINING- ...
• "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- ...
• THE UPWARD TURN- ...
• RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- ...
• ACCEPTANCE & HOPE 

It is said that not everyone experiences each of these and not everyone experiences each of these in this order. I have to say though , that for me, this journey has taken this very path... it does, however, sometimes circle back.  

For those of you experiencing pain this year at Christmas and throughout the year, I just pray that your journey through grief is one you travel with friends and family who love you. I am a blessed woman. Emily's death nearly incapacitated me. Emily's death made me temporarily angry with God. Emily's death is something I never want to go through again. But Emily's death taught me so very much.

I still have so much to work out. But day by day things get easier. Len has been in the hospital many times this year. The first time we went, I had a terrible time with the beeping of the machines in the hospital - a sort of mild ptsd I suppose... it made me hyperventilate every time I heard that beep.  Because I had seen Emily's monitor ... watched it carefully as her blood pressure dropped.... then Len had some issues and we were once again in ICU but this time in the US , not in Kenya. And his blood pressure dropped and I froze... then went into shock a bit... then tried to pray for his recovery, but got angry with God instead and said "if you take another person I love...." I couldn't pray then... for anything.... But God brought Len through that.

I don't know why God took Emily. I don't know why God allowed Len to stay. I don't really know anything about God except that he is ALL POWERFUL and as I looked over my old blogs, I could see his hand in every single thing.
And as long as His plan was my plan, I was ok with it. But the minute it didn't, I wasn't happy.

The night Emily died, we decided to call what had been the Haven, the Emily Martin Rescue Centre. That was God. And God has a plan for that rescue centre far bigger than my life or Emily's life. Unfortunately, I don't get to know that plan in full. I just have to trust and believe.

Some days that is easy... other days not so much. But God has heard my cry and rescued me.