Blue Christmas

I'll admit that at this time of year, I never attended or really understood how someone could be "blue" at Christmas. I am a hard head. I have to learn everything the hard way. The Lord has given me the gift of empathy, but it hasn't always been there -sympathy yes, empathy no.

It has been nearly a year now since I experienced the only true trauma I have ever experienced.

trau·ma

/ˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/

noun

noun: trauma; plural noun: traumata; plural noun: traumas

1.

a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

"a personal trauma like the death of a child"

 

That puts it pretty simply I suppose. Since living in Kenya I have seen so many people deal with trauma and the aftermath of it. I have seen and gotten to know well American veterans who have seen and dealt with trauma and its aftermath. But, honestly, I had never really experienced anything that was truly traumatic.

 

I define trauma as something tragic that happens unexpectedly and knocks you off your feet.

In the early hours of January 1 2018, I experienced trauma when "my Emily" passed away. I now understand how when you watch TV and people receive traumatic news, they "lose their legs." I know what it feels like to have pain so deep and painful that you think you might surely never recover. I know what it is like to throw up from the shock of a trauma. I know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed... to not be able to hold your head up. I know what it is to cry from a part in your body and soul you never knew existed. I know what it is like to be unable to breathe the pain is so present.

Psychologist talk about the stages of grief.

• SHOCK & DENIAL-
• PAIN & GUILT- ...
• ANGER & BARGAINING- ...
• "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- ...
• THE UPWARD TURN- ...
• RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- ...
• ACCEPTANCE & HOPE 

It is said that not everyone experiences each of these and not everyone experiences each of these in this order. I have to say though , that for me, this journey has taken this very path... it does, however, sometimes circle back.  

For those of you experiencing pain this year at Christmas and throughout the year, I just pray that your journey through grief is one you travel with friends and family who love you. I am a blessed woman. Emily's death nearly incapacitated me. Emily's death made me temporarily angry with God. Emily's death is something I never want to go through again. But Emily's death taught me so very much.

I still have so much to work out. But day by day things get easier. Len has been in the hospital many times this year. The first time we went, I had a terrible time with the beeping of the machines in the hospital - a sort of mild ptsd I suppose... it made me hyperventilate every time I heard that beep.  Because I had seen Emily's monitor ... watched it carefully as her blood pressure dropped.... then Len had some issues and we were once again in ICU but this time in the US , not in Kenya. And his blood pressure dropped and I froze... then went into shock a bit... then tried to pray for his recovery, but got angry with God instead and said "if you take another person I love...." I couldn't pray then... for anything.... But God brought Len through that.

I don't know why God took Emily. I don't know why God allowed Len to stay. I don't really know anything about God except that he is ALL POWERFUL and as I looked over my old blogs, I could see his hand in every single thing.
And as long as His plan was my plan, I was ok with it. But the minute it didn't, I wasn't happy.

The night Emily died, we decided to call what had been the Haven, the Emily Martin Rescue Centre. That was God. And God has a plan for that rescue centre far bigger than my life or Emily's life. Unfortunately, I don't get to know that plan in full. I just have to trust and believe.

Some days that is easy... other days not so much. But God has heard my cry and rescued me.

Where to start

Coming back to this blog is tougher than I thought. I am so incredibly sad that I didn't keep this going. I keep going over and over all the stories I missed in the last couple of years. And then I realize, that I can wallow in the past, or pick up and keep going.

An a-ha! moment.  Isn't that the struggle each and every day? I get caught in what if and if only so many many times. I look back over my ministry in Kenya and surely have so many regrets. There have been some very painful moments particularly over the last couple of years where I truly wondered what God was doing... or did I think I heard his voice but didn't really...

When I said yes to the call of God to go to Kenya, the first thing I felt was relief and peace. I had finally said yes to the thing that God wanted most from me. It took a few years, but I realized that saying yes was not a permanent one and done thing. From that moment on, life got tougher rather than easier. From that moment on, I faced disappointment after disappointment. We lost some friends - mostly because we were so very far away. My sisters had and still have a difficult time understanding how I could go so far and leave my parents and my family. Everything did not get easier. And I could do what I did with this blog. I could think  "what if " I had just stayed at TSW - my home for 20 years and an incredible place to work. I'd have money now. I could help my parents more. I could send enough money to help fund the Rescue Centre.... OH WAIT!!!!?????

And then it becomes clear... God's plan was for me to assist in building that Rescue Centre not fund it personally. He wanted my blood, sweat and tears in that building. He wanted me to listen carefully and do exactly what HE wanted.

When we moved to Kenya in 2012,  many people would say..."are you going to build a school..." and my answer was always I don't plan on building ANYTHING in Kenya... and it stayed that way. And I didn't build anything in Kenya . God did... through Esther's vision and my willingness to do my part.

Wow... I really should write a book because this is already REALLY long.... but I digress.
In the coming days and weeks, I hope to select a few stories here and there that will chronicle the life of the ministry from now on. I am praying over all the thoughts in my head now before I tell the first story.... stay tuned. One of the stories will surely be the relationship of these two...Denis and Max.

You should write a book...

Our ministry is full of so many many wonderful stories. It is also full of many terribly difficult and painful stories. When I return to the US and begin talking with friends about the  ministry, most will inevitably say "you should write a book." My attention span is not that long. But I realized today that if I had continues to post short blogs  (which was my intention when I started this blog when we moved to Kenya) I would have a book.

I want to move forward trying to be sure to blog more regularly. I may play catch up a little. It's easiest for me to use a picture to tell a story. So you'll be seeing a pic or two from time to time that will begin a story I will finish with my words.

I could use your help as  well... if there is a story I have told you and you think "gosh, you should tell that one" shoot me an email susan@nowkenya.org

For now, pray that this will be yet another way that the Lord can be glorified and I can remember to praise him for all that he continues to do.

He makes all things new.. I'm BACK

I decided today to resurrect the Eastwood adventures in Kenya blog.  As always, as I went to this page for that purpose, I went back over other posts from YEARS ago. Oh how many stories I have missed telling you.

I am not sure if this will be a personal "type out loud" kind of blog or a ministry blog or perhaps more realistically it will be a combination of the two.

Look for more stories in the coming days....