Blue Christmas

I'll admit that at this time of year, I never attended or really understood how someone could be "blue" at Christmas. I am a hard head. I have to learn everything the hard way. The Lord has given me the gift of empathy, but it hasn't always been there -sympathy yes, empathy no.

It has been nearly a year now since I experienced the only true trauma I have ever experienced.

trau·ma

/ˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/

noun

noun: trauma; plural noun: traumata; plural noun: traumas

1.

a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

"a personal trauma like the death of a child"

 

That puts it pretty simply I suppose. Since living in Kenya I have seen so many people deal with trauma and the aftermath of it. I have seen and gotten to know well American veterans who have seen and dealt with trauma and its aftermath. But, honestly, I had never really experienced anything that was truly traumatic.

 

I define trauma as something tragic that happens unexpectedly and knocks you off your feet.

In the early hours of January 1 2018, I experienced trauma when "my Emily" passed away. I now understand how when you watch TV and people receive traumatic news, they "lose their legs." I know what it feels like to have pain so deep and painful that you think you might surely never recover. I know what it is like to throw up from the shock of a trauma. I know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed... to not be able to hold your head up. I know what it is to cry from a part in your body and soul you never knew existed. I know what it is like to be unable to breathe the pain is so present.

Psychologist talk about the stages of grief.

• SHOCK & DENIAL-
• PAIN & GUILT- ...
• ANGER & BARGAINING- ...
• "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- ...
• THE UPWARD TURN- ...
• RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- ...
• ACCEPTANCE & HOPE 

It is said that not everyone experiences each of these and not everyone experiences each of these in this order. I have to say though , that for me, this journey has taken this very path... it does, however, sometimes circle back.  

For those of you experiencing pain this year at Christmas and throughout the year, I just pray that your journey through grief is one you travel with friends and family who love you. I am a blessed woman. Emily's death nearly incapacitated me. Emily's death made me temporarily angry with God. Emily's death is something I never want to go through again. But Emily's death taught me so very much.

I still have so much to work out. But day by day things get easier. Len has been in the hospital many times this year. The first time we went, I had a terrible time with the beeping of the machines in the hospital - a sort of mild ptsd I suppose... it made me hyperventilate every time I heard that beep.  Because I had seen Emily's monitor ... watched it carefully as her blood pressure dropped.... then Len had some issues and we were once again in ICU but this time in the US , not in Kenya. And his blood pressure dropped and I froze... then went into shock a bit... then tried to pray for his recovery, but got angry with God instead and said "if you take another person I love...." I couldn't pray then... for anything.... But God brought Len through that.

I don't know why God took Emily. I don't know why God allowed Len to stay. I don't really know anything about God except that he is ALL POWERFUL and as I looked over my old blogs, I could see his hand in every single thing.
And as long as His plan was my plan, I was ok with it. But the minute it didn't, I wasn't happy.

The night Emily died, we decided to call what had been the Haven, the Emily Martin Rescue Centre. That was God. And God has a plan for that rescue centre far bigger than my life or Emily's life. Unfortunately, I don't get to know that plan in full. I just have to trust and believe.

Some days that is easy... other days not so much. But God has heard my cry and rescued me.

Where to start

Coming back to this blog is tougher than I thought. I am so incredibly sad that I didn't keep this going. I keep going over and over all the stories I missed in the last couple of years. And then I realize, that I can wallow in the past, or pick up and keep going.

An a-ha! moment.  Isn't that the struggle each and every day? I get caught in what if and if only so many many times. I look back over my ministry in Kenya and surely have so many regrets. There have been some very painful moments particularly over the last couple of years where I truly wondered what God was doing... or did I think I heard his voice but didn't really...

When I said yes to the call of God to go to Kenya, the first thing I felt was relief and peace. I had finally said yes to the thing that God wanted most from me. It took a few years, but I realized that saying yes was not a permanent one and done thing. From that moment on, life got tougher rather than easier. From that moment on, I faced disappointment after disappointment. We lost some friends - mostly because we were so very far away. My sisters had and still have a difficult time understanding how I could go so far and leave my parents and my family. Everything did not get easier. And I could do what I did with this blog. I could think  "what if " I had just stayed at TSW - my home for 20 years and an incredible place to work. I'd have money now. I could help my parents more. I could send enough money to help fund the Rescue Centre.... OH WAIT!!!!?????

And then it becomes clear... God's plan was for me to assist in building that Rescue Centre not fund it personally. He wanted my blood, sweat and tears in that building. He wanted me to listen carefully and do exactly what HE wanted.

When we moved to Kenya in 2012,  many people would say..."are you going to build a school..." and my answer was always I don't plan on building ANYTHING in Kenya... and it stayed that way. And I didn't build anything in Kenya . God did... through Esther's vision and my willingness to do my part.

Wow... I really should write a book because this is already REALLY long.... but I digress.
In the coming days and weeks, I hope to select a few stories here and there that will chronicle the life of the ministry from now on. I am praying over all the thoughts in my head now before I tell the first story.... stay tuned. One of the stories will surely be the relationship of these two...Denis and Max.

You should write a book...

Our ministry is full of so many many wonderful stories. It is also full of many terribly difficult and painful stories. When I return to the US and begin talking with friends about the  ministry, most will inevitably say "you should write a book." My attention span is not that long. But I realized today that if I had continues to post short blogs  (which was my intention when I started this blog when we moved to Kenya) I would have a book.

I want to move forward trying to be sure to blog more regularly. I may play catch up a little. It's easiest for me to use a picture to tell a story. So you'll be seeing a pic or two from time to time that will begin a story I will finish with my words.

I could use your help as  well... if there is a story I have told you and you think "gosh, you should tell that one" shoot me an email susan@nowkenya.org

For now, pray that this will be yet another way that the Lord can be glorified and I can remember to praise him for all that he continues to do.

He makes all things new.. I'm BACK

I decided today to resurrect the Eastwood adventures in Kenya blog.  As always, as I went to this page for that purpose, I went back over other posts from YEARS ago. Oh how many stories I have missed telling you.

I am not sure if this will be a personal "type out loud" kind of blog or a ministry blog or perhaps more realistically it will be a combination of the two.

Look for more stories in the coming days....

8 YEARS

We call her Mama Grace.
Her given name is Jane. I don't even really know her surname.

In the early years, we met her only once or twice after her children became sponsored by us and some of our friends. As we started to spend more time here , we saw her a little more often. When there was a visiting day at school for parents, we would go and meet her there. We would make lots of food and she made nothing. She just came with all her children ( and there were many- about 5 total) and ate and got what she could. None of her children had the same father. She was a prostitute.

Fast forward 8 years. Esther and I started a bible study in our home for women. We started it with Mama Grace in mind. Since moving to the Githioro community we had been able to see her more often. When we would travel for visiting days, we would pick her up and she would help with making food for the children. She came to visit the house. She asked for a job in the shamba ( farm.) She was making a very good living as a prostitute and even admitted that it would be hard for her to give up sex  because she was honest enough to say she just liked it.

She was at the first bible study in our house a little more than a year ago. She has been coming faithfully. When we started our outreach program of visiting those who are sick or in need, she helped lead it. Today, she will help facilitate if Esther or I are not available.

Today, she came and told us that she has been living off the money she makes from the shamba only and has given up prostitution COMPLETELY. She went on to talk about how good she feels about herself.  She talked about how good it feels now not to do that.

And I cried and we thanked God.

When you live so far away from your family and all that is familiar to you, I think it natural to sometimes wonder why you came and if it really matters ( even though you surely actually know that it does)... and in those times, God has always sent proof of  obedience to His call.

8 years - one woman. ONE LIFE Changed by our God. He is AMAZING.

In Africa, there is so much truth to "truth is stranger than fiction"

One of the reasons I don't blog often is because the stories I need to share are complicated and full of details that need to be related. And I need to get it  just right because the story - and it's a true story- needs to be told in exactly the way I experience it here.

So, let's go back to the year 2009. It was this year that while working in a medical clinic here, we noticed two little girls who were always around. We started to wonder why they were not in school. Long story short, we ( and other friends) started sponsoring these two young ladies for boarding school.  Here's a picture of Lois and Grace in 2010

Over the years, we have had contact with the mother of these two.  For many years, we had to beg and plead with her to do even a small part to help. Peter and Mama Shiko were frustrated because on visiting day she would come with nothing for her children and expect them to provide for her. In fact, they described her as a little bit crazy.

Fast forward 5 years. Grace and Lois are thriving in school. Grace is in 8th grade and Lois is in 5th grade. They are lovely girls. The top picture on the left side is of them in 2010 and on the right and bottom -this year 2015.

These girls are thriving and becoming wonderful young girls.

Then there is the mother. The good news is that she is attending our Wednesday bible study faithfully. She also works on the farm here. She leads some of the outreach our group does.

The bad news is - she's addicted sex. We knew that she was a prostitute. But slowly but surely, her life is changing.  God is good.

Children's Court

There are many times when I say to myself, I should post a blog about that. Then life happens and I am pulled away from the computer. But this time, I MUST write.

My friend Esther was summoned to court because her "husband" wanted to have custody of his children. They have three together.

I met Esther in 2013, when  a mutual acquaintance asked me if we could add Esther's oldest child to our sponsorship program. The reasons given were that the husband was abusive to Esther and the children and that he had actually threatened to have sex with his oldest child if Esther was not willing to grant him his "rights."

The Esther I met was a quiet, shy young woman with three lovely children. Two of those children suffered problems at birth. Maxwell, the youngest, has cerebral palsy. Claire had some trouble beginning to walk but is now quite healthy.

Esther's story and the story of the children is a very very long one. The things that the "husband" did to her are too horrible even to write.

Today, she had her day in court. I am writing this blog because I want to honor God and how He works in the lives of people. The Esther I met 3 years ago was afraid of her own shadow. She never asked us for anything. It was this mutual acquaintance who begged us to take Venus as a sponsored child. Even though Esther was often unable to pay her rent or to feed her children she NEVER asked. Except for one time. At that time the "husband" had come to her place and taken all of her things - beds, seats, even the thing she cooked with. He left his family with one very small mattress.

Fast forward three years. The "husband" took her to court to get "unlimited access" to his children. In all the years I have known her I had not even met him until January of last year. He had never given his children anything. He had indeed visited the family every 6 months to a year when he came home just to "get what was his" from Esther.

I so wish I had the words to clearly explain how pathological this man is. That will be for another day.

Today Esther for the first time faced him with her head held high. Just a year ago, he brought another case to court and when Len and I went with her to the court, she was afraid to even speak to him. I looked at her and told her to put her shoulders back, take a breath and go straight to him and greet him. SHE was in charge. He was not.

Over a year ago, Esther helped me to start two women's bible study groups. Iwanted to provide a place for women to come and learn about Jesus and to have a safe place to share problems. I asked her to be my translator. She did that, but wasn't happy about it.

Long story short - she's the leader now. She has a heart bigger than anyone I know. She does not want women to suffer like she has.  We are learning to be strong together - knowing that our strength comes from God.

Once again, I digress. What I want to say is that today a strong, confident, loving mother of three faced her "demon." She answered his questions with confidence and never shed a tear. We listened to lie after lie from him and yet she smiled with confidence because she knew the truth.

I took the stand at the very end of the process. I was a little afraid. I have never testified in court , let alone a Kenyan court.  But I knew the truth, and when I swore on that bible to tell the truth that is exactly what I did. Her attorney asked questions which I was able to answer. When the "husband" asked me questions, I was able to answer. It was a bit funny. This manipulator extraordinaire saw another woman he wished to control. He clearly did not know me at all. He went after me just as he would a Kenyan woman. He asked me if I had children of my own and I said yes. Then he said to me, you are lieing - you are barren. Now, in Kenya, that should have been a slap in the face. A Kenyan woman would have shriveled up and caved. I simply said that statement was true. Then he said that because of my being barren I wanted his children.

With a twinkle in my eye I proudly said, " I am 52 years old. I don't want anybody's children."

Point being, he thought that he could intimidate me like he has done to so many women including Esther.

When I stepped down from the stand, I realized that several of the women from the Monday bible study had come to support Esther. How amazing is that??? As I walked by Mary, she said to me - you are such a strong woman. They were all astounded that I stood with my head held high and answered his questions.

If one person has been changed by my strength - I give all the glory to God. He has done GREAT things in the life of Esther and she is passing it on. God is good.